Cold Days of Winter

These cold days of winter are leaving me feeling very peaceful. How could I be so peaceful in the midst of all my sadness? Only because of my faith and the prayers of those who care. I had a dream of my Father last night. I was holding a full length conversation with him and wondering in my dream why he could not do so with my sister, Michele, the day before. I feel so sad when my siblings go to visit and my Dad is not lucid. It seems for me he is more lucid than not. I saw the pain in my sister's eyes yesterday and it saddened me.

Still, as I walk through my days my mind wanders to many places. My Father's house which sits empty. His bed at his home, his table in his kitchen....all empty. My Father's room at the dementia facility where he resides. I see him in my mind's eye and wish I could take him home. The last time I visited him, he spoke those words that I dread for the first time since December. "I want to go Home. I am tired of being in this strange place." My heart broke for him and for all of us who love him so much and wish he could be home. I drive to work some days thinking of a way I could care for him in his home. It is my heart speaking. My intellect tells me it is impossible.

On December 15th, 2011 I walked down the sidewalk of his home, and I have not been back since. I cannot go back....not yet. When the day comes and I open the door to that empty house I pray God gives me the strength I will need.